On the verge of tears
I wonder if one day I will wake up and not feel the heaviness in my eyes will be gone. I never thought that this would all be so hard. Sasha is all I think about. Last night we went to Kim and Terry's for dinner. Even though there was lots of ooing and ahhing over Mia, all I could think about was Sasha. Oliver is 2 weeks older than Sasha and I kept on thinking that she should be with us playing with her little friends. There is such a void in my life right now. I keep watching her videos and looking at her pictures and I can't seem to get her voice out of my head. The strongest emotion right now that I feel is that I wish she hadn't gone through so much. I wish December never happened and we could have had her at home doing normal kid things until her body just got tired. Instead I feel that we put her through a battle where there was no reward. I couldn't imagine the discomfort she felt and how scared she was. When we brought her out of CCU, Sasha would wake up screaming. That slowly disappeared and she would wake up like she used to: happy. Mornings were the best time with Sasha. We would lie in bed staring at each other and loving every minute of it. She was such a great morning person. I keep longing for the feeling of having Sasha in my arms and I yearn for her smell.
As Mia is growing, I feel so blessed to have such an easy baby. I remember with Sasha, I was so scared that I couldn't relax. Its like Sasha told Mia to give us a little break. Mia smiles so much in her sleep that I like to think that Sasha is telling her stories. I love my two girls so much.