On the verge of tears


I wonder if one day I will wake up and not feel the heaviness in my eyes will be gone. I never thought that this would all be so hard. Sasha is all I think about. Last night we went to Kim and Terry's for dinner. Even though there was lots of ooing and ahhing over Mia, all I could think about was Sasha. Oliver is 2 weeks older than Sasha and I kept on thinking that she should be with us playing with her little friends. There is such a void in my life right now. I keep watching her videos and looking at her pictures and I can't seem to get her voice out of my head. The strongest emotion right now that I feel is that I wish she hadn't gone through so much. I wish December never happened and we could have had her at home doing normal kid things until her body just got tired. Instead I feel that we put her through a battle where there was no reward. I couldn't imagine the discomfort she felt and how scared she was. When we brought her out of CCU, Sasha would wake up screaming. That slowly disappeared and she would wake up like she used to: happy. Mornings were the best time with Sasha. We would lie in bed staring at each other and loving every minute of it. She was such a great morning person. I keep longing for the feeling of having Sasha in my arms and I yearn for her smell.
As Mia is growing, I feel so blessed to have such an easy baby. I remember with Sasha, I was so scared that I couldn't relax. Its like Sasha told Mia to give us a little break. Mia smiles so much in her sleep that I like to think that Sasha is telling her stories. I love my two girls so much.

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous3:38 PM

    I think that one day you will wake up and the heaviness will be gone, but it takes time and healing. One day you will wake up and feel lighter, it will just happen. From reading this blog I can see you are a woman who has been blessed with a great resiliency.

    The pain you feel now is not Sasha's pain; she is at peace and contentment.You gave her all the love and joy a mother could have and brought her to rest with such tenderness.

    You will heal and one day will wake up feeling lighter and able to remember with happiness.

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  2. Raynia8:05 PM

    I am an old childhood friend of "Auntie Jessie" and have subsequently bumped into you, Pam, so many times over the years. Quite some time passed since the last time I had bumped into you and when I did, it was probably a couple months before Mia was born. It was in Yorkdale at Gymboree and you were buying something and I was with my son. Such smalltalk happens in these random encounters as we spoke about how you had one daughter at home and how this was my first child and and how you were expecting. How little did I know in those few moments the anguish that you were experiencing. I was so saddened to read about Sasha's death only weeks later and then moved by the birth of Mia. My heart aches for you and your husband in having to grieve such an unbelievable loss while at the same time sustain joy for the birth of your new precious daughter. You will find strength in ways that you never knew possible. Some of that strength is so clearly demonstrated in this diary you have kept of your beautiful girl's life. My thoughts are with you and your family.
    Raynia

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  3. Cheryl and David2:19 PM

    Our hearts are with you in the emotional turmoil you are undergoing. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts and the opportunity this gives us to learn. We welcome the closeness this provides and send our love and support.

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  4. you are an amazing person pami. you have taught me so much. please try to remember that you did all you could, you cannot go back and regret or change anything, because every decision you and jonathan made, was for sasha, and out of love and what you felt was "right" for her at the time. it sucks when things dont go as we'd like them to, but you cannot regret or think that you made the wrong decisions. i've known you my whole life, and i know you will get through this. you are a fighter, that is such a strength that sasha had, and just like her, you will find a way to get over this mountain. i don't believe the pain will ever go away, but you will learn how to live with it...and even though we don't always understand, time does heal wounds. i know you will never forget sasha, that is just impossible. i think it gets easier because you have to keep living for her. she would not want it any other way. you are a wonderful mommy...and although things didn't turn out how we all would have liked them to, i truly believe sasha is at peace and somehow her spirit is with all of us. you say how happy mia is, how she is an easy baby....well, i think sasha does talk to her. after the miracles and defeats that have happened, i believe anything is possible. your family is like a brick wall that cannot be broken. i'm proud to be a part of that family.

    be tough. sasha loves you. mia loves you. i love you more than words can describe. just take one day at a time. and remember, you can't have good days without bad ones. sasha will never be forgotten, NEVER.

    i love you..xoxooxox

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  5. Anonymous12:53 AM

    Poeple often wonder how you can work at Sick Kids, because it must be so sad. And so you explain that you can't imagine not working at Sick Kids because you have the privilege of going to work every day and witnessing the miracle of children. They have so much resilience.Through all the medicines and procedures and yucky stuff, they still get to laugh and sing and play and be kids. It may be unconventional, and most certainly not ideal, but cherub-faced little blonde girls who love ice chips and Jack Johnson lullabies still get to be kids. Sometimes it's not for as long as you'd like, but we take comfort in knowing that the time they do have is there, in part, because we are. What is always most difficult is watching parents make decisions that most people can't even begin to comprehend. But we see it. We see their anguish, their courage, their immeasurable strength. And over and over, parent's make the best decision for their children, no matter how hard, no matter how painful. None of the choices you've had to make have been even close to easy, but they were the right decision for your family with the knowledge you had at the time. You did right by Sasha at every step of the way. She was very lucky to have you as her parents, just as you are lucky to share your lives with such amazing little girls. You are the reason why we get up and go to work in the morning.

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