Words are hard to come by

Jonathan pointed out today that our blogs have slowed down. As we are adapting to having Mia and not having Sasha, we seem to have less to say. Although I don't think this is necessarily 100% true. Yesterday we met with a reporter from the Toronto Star who has taken some interest in writing an article about Sasha. We talking with her for 3 hours and Jonathan and I became emotional has we described Sasha's complicated life. Its amazing that she only lived 2 years and it seemed as I had known her forever. It turned out to be a wonderful day. Jonathan worked from home for the rest of the day and we managed to take Sammy for a nice walk to the village. Mia's seems to enjoy the stroller as much as Sasha and its always relaxing to walk through the ravine and parks in our neighborhood. Sam is becoming more territorial of Mia and I and appreciate his hard work when we are walking.
While we were speaking with the reporter, I was staring at Sasha's kitchen. My mom found this amazing kid's kitchen at a garage sale last summer and Sasha loved it. Sasha loved the kitchen and I could visualize her playing with it. She used to hide things in the microwave and right before her surgery she put some of my things in it. I left them in there until we returned from the hospital in May with the hopes that she would remember and start playing. She took little interest in it when were returned home and I eventually took the items out of the kitchen. I loved playing with Sasha and I would neglect all my household duties so that I could spend my day playing with her. I remember the feeling hanging out with and LOVING it.
Last night I asked Jonathan if he thinks Sasha can see us. My biggest fear right now is that she can see us and wants to be with us but can't. I am afraid that she is scared and confused. I worry that she doesn't why she is not with us and no one to is with her to love her and comfort and play with her. I wish there was a window to the 'other side' so that I could see that she is safe and happy. Why is death so mysterious? Why do people always use this phrase to comfort people who are grieving: " So and so is a better place". To me thats bulls**t. The best place for Sasha to be is with her family not in a unknown place with none of us.
Anyway, Mia is calling me and she is becoming more and more demanding just like her sister.....and I wouldn't have it any other way!

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:07 AM

    Why is death so mysterious? Why do people always use this phrase to comfort people who are grieving: " So and so is a better place". To me thats bulls**t. The best place for Sasha to be is with her family not in a unknown place with none of us.


    I don't think people say that to be trite. I think they genuinely mean it. It is a human instinct to imagine a place with less conflict and less pain. To shuffle off this mortal coil. Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

    God has her.

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  2. Marcia9:03 AM

    It is one month today that Sasha left us. We haven't left her and speak about her many times a day, as do you.There are wonderful memories, happy times, precious moments and of course sad times too. She was so joyful we cannot not pay tribute to her and try to feel that joy now at the same time as we miss her.
    I still think of Mia as Miraculous Mia, who arrived a month early, and has given us all joy and is helping with the healing process.
    It was tough to hear Sasha's name called at the morning minyan - soon we will be able to visit Sasha's grave and feel a tangible closeness to her. She is always close to us in our hearts and minds.
    Another perspective on Sasha's place now is that she has joined members of the family who have passed on- your Dad, our parents+ grandparents. I also feel comforted knowing that the plots surrounding her are for us and you. May she rest in peace - she knew then and will always know how much she was loved.

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  3. pammy
    i relate to what you say about worrying that sasha might be scared or lonely now that she has left the human realm. when my dad died people told me 'im sorry'. i know they meant well, but much of the time it was HIM i felt bad for. i would think 'dont be sorry for MY loss, be sorry for HIS loss'. i imagined he was totally annoyed and pissed off and upset that he didnt have even one more day. i imagined he was scared too, and feeling ripped off.

    now ive had a change of heart. see, he did leave the human realm, which is the realm of fear, stress, loneliness, anger...and instead now he is of the realm of spirit. i think hes part of the universe somehow, free of questions and worries, and full of the essence of life and answers. i think he does see me and everyone he loved, and i think he is connected to us and watches over us and is part of my air. i cant feel him, or sense him...but i believe the realm he joined when he died is one of peace. he left all that ugly crazy human stuff behind.

    i could be flat wrong, i know. it is the ultimate mystery, as you say. but to me it makes sense.

    what i know for sure is that i love you and that you are full of love and there is no way that love doesnt comfort and cradle her in every realm the world has to offer.

    xo
    steph

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  4. there are some things that none of us will ever understand or know for sure. and we must trust that death is peaceful and IS a better place. i don't think people say this to bullshit you, or bullshit anyone else. it's what we believe and i guess in a way hope for ourselves when we pass too. sasha is not scared or alone, she is at peace, she is sleeping, she is not suffering, it was her time to go, she fought long and hard, and like you said, she was tired. she is with bruce, she is alive forever and always, as long as we all talk and think about her. and she will always be with you, you will never stop loving her, and she KNOWS this. sasha has an amazing heart and soul, and even though her "body" isn't physically with you, her essence and spirit IS. please don't ever stop writing or talking about sasha, i've missed the postings, and DO think about her everyday.

    i love you pami. very very much.

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  5. Anonymous5:53 PM

    pammy-when daddy died,i'll never forget feeling so sad for him because he would never experience all the joys that life still had to offer him.he would never see us get married or be here to see any grandchildren.was he angry or scared?where was he?then i remember durring shivah, amongst all the voices of all his friends and family,i heard a very familiar one. i could hear his voice.i then really felt he would be a part of all those things.i wasn't sad for him anymore because he didn't really know what his future held-he only had his wishes and dreams.i was sad for us.but that too passed as time went on.
    when ofer and i got married-i felt that he and zeev were there.when i was pregnant with erin,i had my first dream with daddy in it.he was there to see her being born.

    pammy-my heart aches everyday.i sometimes have to remind myself that sasha is not at the hospital or at home with you.but i think my heart aches for you....for us.sasha was young and it was your dreams and wishes for her that died.we hurt just wanting her HERE.i want to so badly to see her in my dreams.you and jonny are amazing to let us all know what you are feeling-but we will never trully understand.but know this-for all of us who loved her-we really believe she is safe and not scared.she is a part of all that we do.Sasha is a part of all our wishes and dreams.


    love you
    jess

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  6. Anonymous7:25 AM

    Last night, J and I went to a comedy show at the Imperial, a beautifully restored Theatre on Bleury. While we were waiting for the show to begin, we were looking around trying to determine the theatre's age. Something caught my eye up on the ceiling; it made J too dizzy to look way up there, but it had my attention locked in its grip. There was a huge medallion with a massive chandelier dropped down from the middle of it. Encircling it was something that made me smile and I got lost in it for quite some time. J couldn't believe that I was able to look so high up for so long, but I know he understood when I told him what had my interest.
    There were 8 cherubs floating above us and each one, although different, made me think of Sasha with her perfect chubbiness and curly blond hair.
    Wherever Sasha is now, I am sure that she will forever know how much she is loved. I thank you for
    sharing your love for her with all of us, and I thank her for helping me believe in angels.

    Love,
    Anita

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  7. Heather Rivlin6:28 PM

    "My biggest fear right now is that she can see us and wants to be with us but can't. I am afraid that she is scared and confused. I worry that she doesn't why she is not with us and no one to is with her to love her and comfort and play with her. I wish there was a window to the 'other side' so that I could see that she is safe and happy. Why is death so mysterious? "


    Pam, I choose to believe that Sasha is not alone, but surrounded by many who love her. That infectious spirit of hers would certainly not ever be one to be on its own - she draws people in no matter where she is, and I prefer to imagine her surrounded by her relatives, those who didn't have a chance to meet her, but who summoned her on to let go of her physical place here on earth, and join them in another place. Is there a heaven? I don't know. But, I am certain that no matter where she is, she is certainly not alone. She is waiting to see you again, and until then, she will enjoy watching you every day, keeping an eye on your family, laughing when you make a silly mistake, giggling when she sees Mia crawl, walk and talk for the first time, and be there as a guardian angel to all of you.

    Yes, the best place for her is with you, here, on earth. While she loves you, and misses you too, she also has the benefit of being able to see you, hear you, and feel you, and she knows you will be with her one day. Until then, she is keeping all of those rowdy relatives in line, and keeping them smiling with her giggles.

    I can still hear her sing-song voice reciting "la-la", and "ya-ya" while eating little cookie sticks and drinking capfuls of water.

    I think of you guys often, and check in to see how you are all doing. I know you miss her terribly.

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