I think of you


I think of you many times a day, with a smile or a shudder and closing of my throat and water teetering on an eyelid and I always try end with a smile but not always successfully. A flicker of the happiest and saddest images of my life and yours.

Memories of you gurgle, ear splitting shieks of excitement, wild hand gestures, accomplishments, fascinations, interests, lack of interests, Yeas, decisive Nays, wood floors and animal mural hospital corridors. All that blood flowing from your body. Wonderful weeks at home. Last laboured breaths.

Did we have the right to intervene in your natural order? were the interventions we subjected you to for you or us? did we challenge the teams to help you well enough? Your two precious years were such a special wonder to us, I hope so hard that you feel the same. You know my regrets. I can add the regret of not knowing you more. do you know how you are treasured? Was it enough for you? Did you know you were dying?

This stream flows each day, often set off by seeing a child about your age. This time a boy in a stroller, lollygagged at clowds, arched out of seat, steered by older parents past a Chinese fruit market with new bounce in their step.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:40 PM

    some people go their whole lives without the kind of love and faithfull attention your little Sasha had. in two years more people fell in love with her than some get in a lifetime.

    she taught people about tenderness and bravery, an exquisite lesson in these modern times. she was a special little soul who soaked up all the love she was given and gave back.

    she is a bright, bright star that cannot be dulled, she is soaring onto her next joyful place.

    don't have regrets about the choices you both intelligently made. god is providing the gentle conclusions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. do not regret. do not question your decisions. every decision you and pami made were for the best interest of sasha...and sasha knows this. you kept her out of pain, i truly believe she did not suffer, and i truly believe she did not "know" she was dying, like we would if it were happening to us. maybe that is the fortunate part of the situation, that sasha didn't know anything else, so she was able to live a happy life without worrying about the bad stuff. ya know, sometimes, less is more. you gave sasha more love than some children recieve in a lifetime...and that lifetime can consist of many many years. you cannot change the past, you just have to trust that you made the right decisions, because you DID! just as you will make decisions for mia, your children are so very lucky to have such wonderful parents. sasha is in a good place now, she will always be with us, and will always love you for all of the tough decisions you had to make. sasha is the opitamy of strength and courage, as are you and pami. i feel lucky to call you family. try to be strong..but allow yourself to cry too. just don't ever question or regret anything that you did, EVER.
    love you..xo

    ReplyDelete