last night mia had her first real fussy night and wanted to be fed every 30 minutes. we were having a dinner party and i am still not at the point where i just whip out my boob anywhere to feed. anyway, i spent most of the night with mia in her room and while i was trying to settle her i was 'jigging' her. (definition of jigging: a dance like holding position where baby is in arms). suddenly i got a flash of a very poweful memory of me doing the same with sasha for hours and hours in her room. i began to sob. i immediately felt that we had to change mia's room to a different room in the house as more and more this room was filling up with more and more memories of sasha. i have decided to rearrange some things in the meantime and then see how the shuffle works out. this week has been a tough one. i seem to be missing sasha more and more. the pain in my heart and the heaviness in my eyes doesn't seem to be leaving me. i was visting a friend this week and she was looking after a little girl who is just over 1 year. this little girl reminded me so much of sasha. she had the same scrunched smile expression, same sitting position and same bobbing of the head 'no' when she didn't want something. i left my friends house thinking of how much i missed her and thats all i keep thinking about....how much i miss her. i need to keep her memory alive to help me get through this so.......i am asking anyone and everyone to send me your memories of sasha via email or blog to me....i really want to hear stories about sasha and what you all miss about her. thanks in advance. speak soon.
Henry and I speak about Sasha every day. Her pictures are in the most frequented rooms in the house so she is highly visible - that means that we have her in our hearts and minds but not there to give hugs to or play games with. That makes us sad. I start and end my day by visiting Sasha's website and blog to see the "old" pictures and watch for new ones or a new entry. I have so many memories it is hard to enumerate them. Here are a few. Her radiant smile of recognition as we arrived at the hospital or at the house, her gesture - putting her hand on her forehead and waiting for me to say oo - ah, followed by her throaty laugh. The twinkle in her eyes when she gave Sam some of her food. The long fingers that turned book pages and lifted flaps in books.The way she walked along cupboards, toys, furniture - anything she could hold on to.The joy in emptying containers and refilling them. Taking Sasha for walks - she enjoyed the shower of attention from neighbours, or caregivers in hospital - dressed like a little princess - cute hats, hair in ponytails - everything in shades of pink - holding court with lots of admirers. We love you and miss you alot Sashie but are grateful that you are at peace.
ReplyDeleteWe did not even know her and stumbled upon this blog, my girls and I.
ReplyDeleteand we miss her. we miss seeing what she was up to, and how she was feeling and the bravery of her little life.
we think of her often, we fantasize about what she would look like older, growing up, how friendly and happy she would have been. how pretty and adorable.
we remember then when we lost someone that we loved very much, how every week got worse and then, all of a sudden, it did not hurt so much. we stopped being angry and our hearts lifted a little bit.
i feel for you. let all the hurt flood you, it is the only way and then somehow it appeases. you were such a good mother and sasha has kept that with her. she loves you and she will always love you and it will be alright, one day.
Dancing. Well, I was dancing, and Sasha was smiling, laughing, and enjoying the show. I was supposed to the gym that day, but all that dancing ended up being such a workout I skipped my class. I remember how much Sasha enjoyed the music and movement. She was the greatest audience -- all laughs and smiles and totally encouraging my silliness. Sasha expressed such delight with the element of surprise as well: I'd stand with my back facing her, and then suddenly I'd turn around and do something really silly. She thought it was hilarious and it was such a joy to see her having such fun. Sasha, you beautiful girl and lovely spirit, you are deeply missed though your sweet memories are strong in our hearts. love, jillian xxx
ReplyDeleteone of my favorite memories is of sasha doing her little dance.the drum,music on the tv or radio,us singing-it didn't matter-she would dance.
ReplyDeleteremember being at super centre?sasha sitting on the floor -watching a dancing snowman.she giggled and moved.bobbing her head and wiggling her shoulders.everybody remembers that dance. sometimes when erin and i listen to music-i do the "sasha dance".can't help myself.
i think of her probably a dozen times a day.we too have pictures of sasha everywhere-on my desk,family room,the fridge...by my bed.sometimes doesn't feel like enough.
living here still feels far-though ofer and i have been saying kingston is starting to feel like home.i don't have that desperate feeling of going to toronto all the time-don't worry,we will still be there often.
i miss sasha.we miss her so much.
when i get sad, i too come to the blog to watch my favorite videos.
to everybody who spent time with sasha-try doing the 'sasha dance'.
it will put a smile on your face-if only for a moment.
love you sasha bella
auntie jessie
Evertime I think of Sasha there is one particular memory that sticks out...it is the last time I saw her.
ReplyDeleteWhen I came in the house, she was sitting as pretty as a princess on the dining room table as Pammy was fixing her bandages and getting her ready for the park. Sasha was head to toe in baby pink, her beautiful blonde hair glowing like a halo and sweet subtle smile on her lips.
The thing that always amazed me about Sasha was her incredible spirit, strength and wisdom...all of which you could see in her eyes. I never saw illness, pain or struggle in her face. That day it was never more clearer.
So many times I wondered how someone so young, so precious be able to handle so much, with such grace.
I love this memory, becuase it puts a smile on my face everytime -- how sweet and beautiful she looked. It makes me think of what Sasha taught me....life can be difficult, there are many hardships we will all endure, of which we cannot control, however what we can control is to live life with spirit, grace, and strength.
Thank you Sasha!
Love
Ski
Hi Pammy,
ReplyDeleteI think about you all often, but I think about Sasha evertime I look down the 40's hallway. I still expect to hear her calling down from the door to get my attention. That sweet little smile on her face, her left hand raised pointing at me, her blond curls in the cute little pig tails that I loved so much. She was such a part of my day. No matter what was happening, there was Sasha, cup of ice chips in one hand, pointing the direction she wanted to go with the other.
I miss you both.
I often think of Sasha, her scrunched up little smile, her demanding her soother, her crazy hair days, "bopping in her stroller or bed, pointing at something", our hiding games with the blue caps (she always found them-and could help with a mean dressing change...), and her always being "inked" head to toe with her markers. although her life was short (way too short), she touched many hearts, and I miss all of your smiling faces in the 40's hallway. Some people live long lives, and mean nothing to many, while others, like sash, live short lives and mean much to many.... I am forever thankful for sharing in her time, she is not forgotten, and my tears and smiles are not gone. kisses to mia, fondly remembering sasha, val.
ReplyDeleteI remember walking by her room one day, and I heard her crying so I went in...she was getting a med of some sort and seemed generally unimpressed as it was interfering with her colouring...so I started to draw a picture for her and talk to her and ask her what she wanted me to draw next and as I did this she stopped crying and became very quiet and looked at me with those big gorgeous eyes with such intensity and such curiosity...and then once she had sized me up we put some stickers on the picture together...I guess I passed the Sasha test...another thing I learned from Sasha is that a girl can never have too many Raggedy Anne Dolls :o)
ReplyDeleteThere a couple of things that I will always associate with Sasha:
ReplyDelete*plain pringles in the big red tube
*rocket candies
*freezies
*challah
Although Sasha was not known very her voracious appetite, I will think of Sasha everytime I see or eat one of these items of food. The way she used her long delicate fingers to selectively eat her pringles, one of her favorite foods, was a thing of grace and beauty and brought her such joy.