Wish December 14 didn't exist!

As we approach the year anniversary of December 14, the day of Sasha's second cardiac surgery I am trying to remember the days leading up to that day. I had just begun a contract and was really enjoying working part time. My sister and Florence were watching Sasha while I was away and luckily I would be home early to spend a good chunck of the day with her. I remember insisting on working until even the day before her surgery as I always tried to normalize our situation. It had become normal that Sasha was going to have a surgery! I regret working the day before her surgery because I could have had her all to myself on the day before the day that would change our lives forever. I really didn't want her to have this surgery. Something just didn't feel right. I remember the Sunday before her surgery, there was a wonderful snow fall and we took Sasha tobaganning for the first time. We think she enjoyed and we were so happy to have that day with her. After weeks and weeks of being bumped, we felt so lucky to have more days with her before her surgery. We had anticipated to be home from the hospital in 3 weeks and obviously things did not go according to plan.
On the morning of December 14, Sasha was so, so lovely. I was dreading having her fast but she seemed to not be hungry. We all go ready as she played on our bed so sweetly and we made it to the hospital by 6am. As we entered the hospital parking lot, a wave of anxiety rushed to me. Sasha just looked at me and I smiled. As we prepared her for surgery I held her and didn't want to let go. We met with the docs and then they took her away. She would never be the same.
If I could that day back, I would. I wish I was more educated about Alagille Syndrome. I wish she never had the surgery. I wish she didn't have to go through so much, I wish she was still here. I don't believe she's in a better place like so many people say. I am happy she does not have to suffer anymore but the better place is with us. On days like today, I have little tolerance or patience for people who claim they understand when they don't. I think I should stop writing now before I get too bitter.
Peach, I miss you and think of you every moment of the day. I wish you were here with me, daddy and Mia. I love you.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous10:59 PM

    don't be bitter. lots of people understand what if feels like to lose somebody you love and cherish. we all wish some date did not exist, pamela.

    don't be bitter. you are such a lovely mother and your little mia needs you to be full of joy.

    i had somebody who died and before she did she said ' do not let this take away the joy i have shown you in life'! it was a great gift to me.

    this little darling sasha is an eternal soul and she takes your love with her, wherever she goes. you are her mother and that, will never change.