Six months

Sad today, sitting under the early morning sky, imagining Sasha's face covering the horizon over the houses across the road. No matter how busy we get with sister Mia and little projects it does not yet take away the daily raw moments.

Is this what is mean't by 'time heals'? Knowing the passage of time will dull and flatten the emotional peaks and troughs, I can only relish the rawness, catches in the throat, wet eyes when her voice or hummingbird hands float past me in a memory. I am still working through the finality of our peach's death.

The little waves of depression and anger, eagerness to figure out what else we could have done, these streams of thought come and go, along with moments of disbelief. It amazes me that after all we went through up to her death that she can sail into my mind and I can at times still feel that click, she is gone.

This week I bumped into Maria Rugg of Sick Kids Palliative Care while taking Mia to her paediatrician Dr. Peer. I have had many contacts with Sick Kids of the last 6 months and they help me remember how hard we all worked and how strong she was and how many other kids are being helped and will be helped by Sick Kids.

And Maria asked 'How are you doing?'. It is such a powerful question. And it amazes me how many people miss the power of these few words, perhaps feel unsure or scared as if feeling around a scab that you dont want to dislodge. Or perhaps they feel the time has passed. I assure you the time has never passed.

Friends who I never informed, neighbours on the street who didnt visit, old aquaintances who acknowledge 'You have had a difficult time' but dont mention Sasha's name. I can understand the reluctance. Connect when you are unsure. Dont say too much, you dont even have to say anything, just listen to the answer. The question and open heart says it all.

We love you Sasha.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous12:26 AM

    no amount of time heals how much you would miss your baby.

    but you still have to go on, and live and do all the things that have to be done.

    somehow, i don't know how, it just gets less painful. it gets less raw. somehow, life becomes easier again.

    takes years, for some people. but letting grief in and letting it wash all over you is a good thing. anger,depression and an omnipresent feeling of sadness is a necessary thing. you lost a precious person.

    after that, there is relief and a feeling of sanity, when you let all the grief go. take as much time, as you need. nobody can measure that sadness of losing Sasha. only the two of you.

    god bless you both and bring happiness and peace into your lives.