Remembering the dead, wondering about the meaning of a life

While we were in hospital and realizing that Sasha was nearing the end of her life we also realised that we couldnt easily remember her pre-hospital times. When she was intubated we worried we would never hear her voice and would play over her little sounds between us. All those moments over eighteen months started to pool like mercury around 'memories' from photos and videos. We work to remember and feel other memories. It is scary to have difficulty remembering the reality of our time with our flesh and blood.

Is it because Sasha was with us only twenty four months? Was it some conditionality in our focus imposed by her uncertain prognosis? Or because we were tired during the good times and very tired during the 5 final months at SickKids? Did grief at the end while she was alive blur earlier memories? Did I spend too much time behind the camera lens. As I stop to deeply think back, memories return. I just thought about being with her, rocking her to sleep with my hand on her back, wondering how much time we had left together. I had those thoughts many times, during the good times and the bad. The memories do come back with work but it has only been 6 months.

When people do work as a tribute to their dead child, it is both to help others and to perpetuate a memory of one who was once alive. Why are children born who cannot survive? Why did she die? Where did she go after death? What could we have done differently? What was learned from her life?

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