I miss my Peach


Just a week has passed since Sasha has left us and until now it hasn't seemed real. As Mia and I discover one another, I think about how Sasha and I went through the same process. I spent so much time with Sasha that as her personality developed I fell more and more in love with her. I spent some of the day looking at old videos of Sasha and my heart ached with sadness. I miss my peach so much. We received a letter from Marianne today and she wrote that part of her had hoped that the 4 of us could have been together as a family. I yearned for Sasha to meet her sister thinking that her sibling would give her the energy to live.
Jonathan keeps calling Mia; Sasha. I mention to him that he has made a mistake. I wonder if he will call Mia by her sisters' name often.
Something upset me today. A visitor to shiva said probably the most insensitive thing to me. They said you have a replacement for Sasha. I was astounded that 2 educated people could make such a statement. I corrected them immediately and told them that there is no replacement for Sasha. It reminded me of when Sasha was very sick in CCU and some docs and nurses would say, well you are having another baby as if to take away of how ill Sasha is.
Sasha, you fill my heart with so much love and please don't listen to those who tell mommy and daddy that Mia is your replacement. Because of you peach, we want more children as you connected us into a family.
We are looking forward to the shiva being over so we can settle as a new family and grieve for Sasha while starting with Mia.
Ma Lou is supposed to start next week and we hired her with the intention that she would spend time with Sasha. I am not sure that I need so much help with 1 child but she is fantastic and I would love for her to be with us for when I go back to work. We will see how it goes next week but I think we may only need her part time.

I have attached one of my most favourite pics of Sasha to this post.
Anyway, time to get ready for prayers.
Sasha, kisses to you my baby doll. I love you.

12 comments:

  1. nothing will EVER replace sasha. i don't understand how someone could ever say or think such a thing!!

    i feel angry today that i cannot be closer to my family right now. i feel angry that others get to, but i don't. but my anger is selfish, as i should feel happy that you have so many people around. it is no surprise that sasha touched to many. i just wish i could be there too. it doesn't feel right that i can't be there with you all right now.

    i love you all so very very very much. please please know that i wish i could be there.

    i love you sasha.

    p.s. that picture is ADORABLE!

    xoxoxo

    xoxoxoox

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  2. been talking to sammi everyday and all we talk about is how incredible everyone has been through all of this. pami and johnny, you are amazing parents. you truly are. sasha and mia are both so lucky, as are both of you. everything happens for a reason, and although i can't think of any reason why this has happened, i also feel so blessed that you got to spend 2 years with some such a beautiful little girl.

    thanks for sharing on this blog...even though we aren't there, it allows us to somewhat take this journey with you.

    we love you

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  3. Anonymous11:36 PM

    pammy-my heart is with you-i hope you know that.

    today was hard.nothing feels real.
    just finnished packing Erin's duffle bags.she leaves on friday.
    ww'll miss her but i know she'll have a blast. she made sure she took a picture of Sasha to put up in her cabin-last week she had asked if it was still ok to take a picture-i thought that was sweet.

    i spend some time everyday reading the website over and over.i read the blogs and comments too.i can't stop myself from watching videos.i have my favorites-i cry and smile at the same time.like you-we wish she were here.i long for you to phone me and have her voice in the background.it's all too soon.

    pammy-understand that i will never know or trully comprihend what you are feeling-but know as your sister and as Sasha's aunt-you are not alone.Sasha will always be a part of our lives.for every birthday we celebrate or every trip we take she will be there.for every walk to the park,or the birth of other children or even when we shop for our groceries (remember Super Centre) Sasha will be a part of everything.she's even going to camp with Erin.

    even after all these years,not a day has gone by that i dont't think of daddy at least once.now, i think of both of them all the time.call me corny-but i think of Sasha sitting with Bruce showing him all of her silliness and all of her tricks.he is lucky to have her.that may or may not make you feel better but it helps me to think of them that way.i Wish they were with us but this is the way it has to be.

    love you so much
    kisses to Mia and Jonny

    Love-Jay

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  4. Samantha1:30 AM

    Hi Pam & Jonathan,

    I enjoy this website so much and will visit it often. I love to read about Sasha and all the fond memories you share with us. She is so lucky to have been blessed with parents like the two of you; I have never people like you guys. Sasha needed strong and loving parents and in return you got a very special daughter. I have been around many children and yet Sasha touched me in a way that no one ever has; she was so brave and innocent. She was beautiful both inside and out. The picture attached to this entry is adorable..what a smile! I have never been to a patient's funeral but I needed to be there, to say good bye. I also needed to see that you guys are doing okay, under the circumstances. Sunday was a beautiful day...very sad at the cemetary but the words were perfect. Hearing stories about Sasha back at your house was a nice way to celebrate her life. Mia is absolutely adorable and I am so happy for you both. I look forward to more stories about Sasha and your days with Mia.

    My thoughts are with you,
    Samantha

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  5. Sam, you are very dear to our hearts, your intuition when Sasha was crashing in CCU was remarkable and we were so happy when our paths later crossed awhile in Room 53. We sing your praises though you are humble and no-nonsense. It was very special to have you at our house, as it was for all the nurses who visited.
    Love, Dad

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  6. Anonymous2:53 PM

    I recently attended a talk by Dr. Maya Angelou. She talked about how each person is living a unique life and how we are each a light. She talked about how although we don’t always see the impact we have on the lives of others, our own "light" reaches far beyond our own time on earth to illuminate the path for others. Sasha was a light indeed and the many people who have gathered to celebrate her light and her life are a testament to how bright it really was. She was and is all light and all love and she always let it shine, even through the hardest days. Her story, her courage, they are uniquely hers, and they will stay with me always, no matter how many other beautiful children and stories I have the privilege to know. I want to say how sorry I am that someone would try to comfort you in this way. There is only one Sasha. Nobody can or should take her place.

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  7. Anonymous2:55 PM

    I recently attended a talk by Dr. Maya Angelou. She talked about how each person is living a unique life and how we are each a light. She talked about how although we don’t always see the impact we have on the lives of others, our own "light" reaches far beyond our own time on earth to illuminate the path for others. Sasha was a light indeed and the many people who have gathered to celebrate her light and her life are a testament to how bright it really was. She was and is all light and all love and she always let it shine, even through the hardest days. Her story, her courage, they are uniquely hers, and they will stay with me always, no matter how many other beautiful children and stories I have the privilege to know. I want to say how sorry I am that someone would try to comfort you in this way. There is only one Sasha. Nobody can or should take her place.

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  8. Jilly4:24 PM

    What a beatiful picture of Sasha!!! I keep coming back to it throughout the day (what, me procrastinate?!) for a smile and a little boost from sasha's loveliness... thanks for that! See you this evening... Love to all, Jilly

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  9. what jessi wrote is SO true...bruce and sasha must be together now;) and even though things aren't the way we'd all like them to be, it's comfort knowing that somehow someway sasha is with her other grandfather now.

    this picture ALWAYS makes me smile. sometimes i "im" you pami JUST so i can see it. ok ok...i know, i do want to talk to you, but sometimes i'm selfish and want to just see sasha's smile...this picture explains her in no words at all! sasha's spirit is something i would like to learn from. and although she was here for such a shorter period of time than we had all hoped for..it's not "how long you live"..but it's "what you do while you are here". sasha touched so many, and fought so hard, i feel that although it was only 2 yrs...her energy, and all the people she touched will last a lifetime.

    sash, you will ALWAYS be with us. your mommy and daddy are now parents to two wonderful daughters, to tell you the truth, i'm a bit jealous;) i can't wait to be a mommy, i just hope i am fortunate enough to have a daughter with your energy, spirit, smile, laugh...oh, AND that blonde hair. you are in fact an angel.

    love you..xoxoxo mongo

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  10. Anonymous2:18 AM

    Sasha, you got the sweetest smile I've ever seen. Before you went to the hospital, I said to myself that Sasha will be back just in time to squeel(her way of calling their attention) to every person she recognizes at the park. We had so much fun together even for a little while. I miss your dances:)and your welcome smile everytime you see me. Last summer you were so vibrant and enjoying playing on the wadding pool and the swing :),oh, how much you love it! And all those little picnic we did, when all the kids gather around us, how you like it, you love being surrounded by all other nannies:), and you love the attention!

    At the hospital, even lots of things are going on for you, you still have the courage to smile, such strength that I wish I have. 2 days ago when i visited the website made for you, i can't finish reading and looking at your pictures, it hurts! I can't finish watching you with your cousins singing, I kicked myself for being a coward! Yes, I admit I am. I regreted not being there for you while you were connecting with ellsworth, I was scared that I might not be able to control my feelings while looking after you and your Mom will get upset:(, i don't want to stress her when she went through a lot and have your baby sister inside her. And then when I got the news, it took a while for me to absorb that it is real, how can a strong little girl like you leave us? When I looked on the paper, that's the only time i realize that you already left us. That night I can't decide if I will attend your funeral or not, and until 11 am on your day of funeral I was still undecided and then I scrambled to call all my friends that have a car but too late for me, they are unavailable, forgive me Sasha but i don't want to think of you in that "new bed" you got, i want to think that you are still with us. Singing, dancing and walking around your house in a very quick pace.

    You touched my heart sooo much. You were so brave and you inspire me with your sweetness. I enjoyed babysitting you at night, your parents were wondering how come you slept well through the night when I babysit you, little they know that the "superman ride" you got seems to do the magic! And how hard you laugh everytime you got it! I love you Sasha. I will forever miss you.

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  11. Thank you for sharing, this means a great deal to us. Have no regrets, like Sasha. We all learn about ourselves during hard times and the best thing is honesty, which you show so well. The good and the bad are all part of the journey and the relationship. You know that she loves you and that you gave her a lot of happiness and really helped us, so that we had rest and strength to help her. She lives on with you and we are very thankful for your love of her and her love for you, which we saw in the smiles when she saw you in the mornings. We also know how difficult it was for you to come to the hospital and we were happy she saw you and heard your voice, I am sure it helped get her ready to come home. You spent hundreds of hours with Sasha and that is something so very special that you will always have and can share with others in doing good and with us and Mia. We cried with happiness when we read your memories and would love you to share anything more that you remember on Sasha's special little website whenever you wish.

    Love,
    Sacha's Dad

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  12. Anonymous10:34 AM

    I read this blog years after you wrote it, and I can't help but cry, - openly weep - for your pain. I have two children, and I cannot imagine how I can survive if anything happened to either of them. You are a strong mother, and even stronger to stand up in the face of your pain, and scream to the world that no one can ever replace your precious Sasha, just like no pain can take away from your love to Mia.
    The memory of Sasha will live through you and her family.
    Stay strong

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