I struggle with Mom's request to not be so public, while I am helped by parent blogs who share the wonder of their beautiful child and the pain of their loss. Kevin Christopher McLane's Mom's blog is such a detailed, honest, raw and helpful diary for all of us going through these highs and lows. The swirl of conflicting emotions and that big painful hole in our lives leaves me unable to articulate exactly where I am, so I take refuge with song fragments and melodies.
Wayside/Back In Time captures a different set and setting, a lover's lament on the road to Nashville, but the refrain captures it all, "I wanna go back when you were mine"."Wasted on the wayside, wasted on the way
If I don’t go tomorrow, you know I’m gone today
Back babe, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine
Back babe, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine
Black highway all night ride
Watching the times fall away to the side
Clear channel way down low
Is comin’ in loud and my mind let go
...
Hard weather, drivin’ slow
Buggies and the hats in town for the show
Oh darlin, the songs they played
All I got left of lovin’ me
Back babe, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine
Back babe, back in time
I wanna go back when you were mine"
Gillian Welch, Soul Journey, 2003 full song lyrics
I still struggle with the blog and Jonathan's methods of coping. He seems to be numbing himself more and more. Its challenging grieving with someone whose style is so completely different. He finds comfort with strangers and people who are unattached to him, sasha or myself. As time passes, he is living more and more in the past and its challenging raising our second daughter as I feel alone in my grief and very alone in the present. Our unit is sometimes very strong but it is very fragile and requires attention and love. Unfortunately, he is stuck in the very distant past, way before Sasha was born and her death has led him to remove himself even further from the present.
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