The new memories just stop. It is hard not to want more. I play and replay the time we had. I understand why a person who loses a family would feel pain each time they remember. Memory is bitter and sweet. Very painful at times. So easy to say 'It is always better to be alive'. Imagine losing a whole family to a sudden accident. If I was to multiply our loss by a factor of 2 or 3 and then double it again because when there was no time to say goodbye or because an accident could be avoided, how hard it would be to continue. Sasha was one child. We treasured our time. Still I want more. Still her absence is all around us.
Two months have passed. It took us a long time to visit her grave. It is a small pile of brown earth, there was no marker. We were told a marker would be placed immediately. I placed a crayon on her grave with stones in a small tepee of sticks. Sasha's grave is by the front of the cemetery. Up the hill is Pam's dad's grave, near her is our gentle friend Ruth Koretzsky, near her is Ricky Levine, Sarah's mom, stones on her stone lie nestled with shards of family pottery, close by, in another section, is Alicia Ross, beside her a young boy who died around Sasha's age with a Winnie the Poo on his stone. We looked at the unique gravestones, a campfire and stars for a father who loved the outdoors. Sasha will have a raggedy ann and stars and hearts. We were alone with Marcia, Henry and Sean, so different from when 200 people gathered around on June 25. The cemetery is peaceful, a beautiful spot with lots of trees and sky but I wish it was closer.
We visited 4D on Thursday to introduce Mia. We were welcome, there was lots of love for Mia and us. The ease of being with Mia so contrasts with so many difficult moments with Sasha. We took a basket with two big glass bottles of candy, a baby raggedy and two of Heather's pictures. Alison will ask if the framed picture of us smiling together on our bed can go on the wall beside room 46, Sasha's last room at SickKids. The nurses took turns holding Mia and cooing and I was aware of other parents walking around a happy little group. They hold their hearts in their hands, like we did before. I hope they didn't find our happiness out of place. I remember being in their shoes and appreciating smiles and laughs in the corridors. We passed Dragos as we drove up, he had his baby in a stroller by the bench beside Toronto General Hospital. The cycle of life continues, his first baby, growing through the time we realized we had to say goodbye to Sasha.
Two months have flown by. We feel the aloneness after the crush of people.We have had time to just be with Mia and our memories. Lying awake this morning the image in my head was of Sasha tucked in to bed, raising a hand with a little exclamation Nuuuh, pointing to us to put her blanket by her side. Linda has the CD record of her time in CCU, the many volumes of her other times at HSC still have to be prepared and cost $450. I want the records. Why I am not sure. Sasha toys are all around, I feel great joy when other kids play with them. Some time maybe we will collect them in a nice wooden box, a little time capsule of our peach. Now they are all around. It is hard to write. The blog has helped us get through the last few months and served a purpose as grief and love were shared with family and friends. Pamela doesn't want our lives an open book on the internet while I wish to continue, so we are a little conflicted.